Monday, November 24, 2008

But right now, it's just too many fine ladies out there, to choose one from! I'm trying girls out, just trying girls out!!

This morning, after walking the dog, I watched one of my favorite movies from the 90's, "Higher Learning". If you don't remember or never saw this wonderful movie, it's basically about racial and sexual tension at college during the 90's. I'm not going to go in on an attack on Tyra Banks' horrible performance, I'm going to just say, that when I walked out of the theatre after viewing this, I wanted to hurt a Caucasian, not because I'm racist, but because the movie just enraged me to that exact point. Lets say, during that time period, it was seen as being "Pro-Black" to if not hate, at least, resent White people. Almost every African-American driven film produced during the late 80's and early 90's had a strong "Black people being held down by the Man" view to it. From "School Daze", "Do The Right Thing", "Cry Freedom", "Driving Miss Daisy", and "Mississippi Burning", films during this period made Black people want to hurt White people. I don't really want to get into those types of racism related films, I want to bring up a different type of racism related films, "forbidden love stories". Movies like "Jungle Fever", "Mississippi Masala", "Zebrahead" and "A Bronx Tale", explored the workings and social stigma of interracial relationships. I'd being lying if I didn't say that when I was a younger man, I entertained that oft heard opinion that people of different ethnic backgrounds shouldn't date. But as I've grown older, I've learned how ignorant and idiotic that particular notion is. And that brings me to the point of this blog post.

The other day, I received my copy of "This Christmas", a story of an African American family coming together for Christmas. A main plot device in the film is the acceptance of one of the children's Caucasian wife. It threw me for a loop, this being 2008, the President-Elect being of mixed ethnicity, and interracial couples everywhere. Maybe it's because I live in New York City, where there are so many people, there's a great chance of you being in an interracial relationship. Seriously, I know that racism is far from dead, but hasn't most of America gotten past interracial couples (I mean, we still have the NFL)? It seems idiotic for films to explore this subject, seeing as it is out of most peoples' head. Even in the new millennium, movies still attempted to tackle this non-starter, with "Monster's Ball", crappy films such as "Save the Last Dance", "Something New", "Lakeview Terrace", and "In the Mix". What is Hollywood going to do next, produce a remake of "Aaron Loves Angela", a story of a Black man and a Puerto Rican woman being in a relationship (make it a Dominican, and then they can just record my life)? Is it really possible that a large number of people still have a distaste for interracial dating? That kind of scares me!

I know that when I was younger, if I would've brought a White woman home, my father would have reacted in the way that families reacted in those films in the 90's. But now, I could care less, I'd date a girl of any persuasion. I've been around America and I've seen beautiful women of every race and ethnic background. I understand that there are still, and there will always be, ignorant people, that look down on people because of their race. But honestly, when whats the problem with me dating a White female? And it can be because she is taking a Black man away from a Black female (especially since most Black women don't like me anyway). Is it because, if I had children, my children wouldn't know which race to identify with? It can't be that, especially since our President is multiracial (and my kids will have that kinky mixed kid hair, word to Cree Summer). When I was young and dumb, I didn't fully understand why I thought the way that I did. Maybe it was too many Louis Farrakhan tapes? But as I've grown, I've learned to take people as they are, no matter what race or ethnic background they are. Why has Hollywood not realized that the idea of interracial dating is not taboo at all in this point of time?

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Friday, November 07, 2008

Teach the students what needs to be taught, cause Black and White kids both take shorts!

The readers of my blog know that for the past few years, I have been very worried about the Pussification of the world. I've been trying to impel the masses to revolt against this threat on manhood. The unstable influx of tight jeans, man-scarfs, DayGlo shoes, and other less than masculine objects that men have begun wearing, is blurring the line between flamboyant Gay's and straight men. What ever happened to real manly men like "Ironside", Raymond Burr; what, "Perry Mason" was gay? Okay, whatever happened to manly men like "Stewart McMillan", Rock Hudson; what, Rock Hudson was gay too, come on, it was "McMillan and Wife", not "McMillan and Husband". Okay, whatever, back to what I was really talking about. I was concerned with the Pussifaction of the world, but yesterday, I found a new scourge threatening the world's sensibilities, the Stupidification of the world!

Yesterday, I was on the telephone with my cuzo, Heezy, he was telling me about his school assignment. The assignment was to pick your favorite song and write about how it reflects society, pertaining to business (he's in business school). He told me that the song he decided to use was "Ebonics" by Big L (a song I embedded in a prior blog entry). The conversation led me to start thinking about the subject matter that is taught in schools presently, mostly I thought about "Ebonics" classes, which was pioneered by the Oakland, CA school board. Ebonics, supposedly, "linguistic and paralinguistic features which on a concentric continuum represent the communicative competence of the West African, Caribbean, and United States slave descendant of African origin", or as I refer to it, "stupidity rewarded". I may not be a linguistic expert, an English professor, and I, very frequently, use "African American Vernacular English", but I know that teaching this substandard jargon to children is counterproductive. When Merriam-Webster, the definitive lexicon, interpolates words, such as "conversate" (the correct word is "converse"), "ain't" (the correct word is "isn't"), and "crunk" (there's no correct word, this is just stupidity), it signals the end to education. Come on, they can't be serious, "ginormous", "himbo", "bling-bling", these are words that have been added to Webster's Dictionary. I understand that if the popularity of a word increases in the vernacular of the masses, dictionary publishers must add it to the word stock. But am I the only one that is a little scared that this is just awarding the misuse of well established words (what's next, adding "nahmean" to the dictionary?). Will it one day be acceptable to respond to questions during a business meeting with a loud "bong-bong"? When I was younger, a person from my neighborhood whom used correct grammar was seen as "trying to be White" or a "smarty-art nigga", will that be the norm for everywhere in the near future? Will the world be turned upside-down, and intelligence will be seen as stupidity and stupidity be seen as intelligence, as if we lived in some "Bizarro World" (word to Clark Kent)?

If you ask my sister, she'd probably say that the most degrading things she's ever been called, besides a "nigger", are "articulate", "eloquent", and "intelligible". Like I've said before, when I was younger, an intelligent Black person was referred to as a "sell-out" or an "Uncle Tom" (word to Ralph Nader). It's sort of a veiled insult to call a Black person "articulate", "bright", and "clean" (word to Joe Biden), because it is assuming that Black people, in general, cannot possess those qualities. So, you can call me a "sell-out" or an "Uncle Tom" because I see the teaching of the youth and the addition of ignorant vernacular to the dictionary as a huge disservice to the youth, who are the future!

So, on a parting note, I want to express a great deal of gratitude and appreciation to my family, such as my twin, Sean, my big sister, Si-Lo, my cuzos, Mercury and Starpower (who helped inspire this entry), and the countless others who dedicate their time and energy into the youth of the world. I also want to express the opprobrium I feel for the parents that allow this injustice to take place. When the world allows their children to be cheated out of a proper education and the misappropriation of their mental capacity, we are destroying not only our children, but our future as well (word to Whitney Houston).

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Give me 50 thou', small bills, my gold plate. My slang kills, my Benz spills. What up Lilz? Murder one, dunn!

So, I guess it's time to continue with the "Digzionary" and some of the colloquial terms used by some of my folks. Some of these terms are common, some are stupid, some are genius, and most will make you laugh. First, let me begin by saying that I was born in the early 80's, so I am pretty much a cartoon freak. Second, most of my folks were born in the 80's, so they are cartoon freaks. And finally, don't use these terms around those ignorant of 80's cartoons or comic books, the terms will just go over there heads. Now, for the vocabulary lesson.

Let's start with "Chapter 6 : Straight Out of a Comic Book"

Secret Squirrel - A term used to refer to a friend that always has a secret rendezvous to attend. A secret squirrel never wants to divulge information about his/her whereabouts. Usually, a secret squirrel has an ugly significant other they don't want their friends to see. Why are you always sneaking out of the club, you ol' Secret Squirrel?

Quick Draw McGraw - A term used by females that I know (not Biblically) to refer to men who prematurely ejaculate. She told me she was only there for two minutes, called him Quick Draw McGraw.

Hong Kong Phooey - A usually mild manner person who snaps when pushed too far. He was just chilling and then they tested him, he got his Hong Kong Phooey on.

Scrappy Doo - A term used to refer to an acquaintance, not a friend, who always manages to screw plans up (just as Scrappy ruined Scooby Doo). Thanks for bringing the ugly broads, Scrappy Doo. Also can be used as a friend that always claims to be tough, but never follows up on threats (from Scrappy's "Lemme at 'em! I'll splat 'em!"). Scrappy Doo over here was running his mouth and ain't bust his guns.

Dick Dastardly - A person who always has a scheme or plan that sounds pretty stupid to everybody else. Dick Dastardly over here said he got a connect on some scrilla.

Captain Caveman - A friend that is almost always unshaven and disheveled. I need to go and get a Ceasar, I'm over here playing Captain Caveman.

Top Cat / Riff-Raff - The "leader" or the smoothest person in your group of friends (most likely me). That dude Rock Diggie is the Top Cat around here. Far Rockaway Rah-Rah is Riff-Raff in this junkyard.

Snagglepuss - A very flamboyant homosexual or a heterosexual that displays very feminine ways or homosexual tendencies. Cam'ron used to wear all that pink and scream "no homo", 50 made that Snagglepuss "exit, stage left".

Pepé Le Pew - A man who believes he has many females, but in actuality, has no game to speak of. I got like ten birds' numbers and you got none, big talk, no action, Pepe Le Pew.

I also have a couple more words/terms from "Chapter 4 : Love Blackually"

Eblackuate - [i-blak-yoo-eyt] -verb To leave a location because of oncoming police presence. Yo son, Jake coming, time to eblackuate.

Nigotiation - [nig-oh-shee-eyt] -verb To deal or bargain with another, in the hopes of obtaining something for free. Come on kid, you have to give me some type of money, this ain't a nigotiation.

Riniggerlous - [ri-nig-ger-luhs] -adjective An action that is done by a nigger causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable. Dude put rims on a Kia, that's just riniggerlous.

Nigalia - [nig-geyl-yah] -plural noun The decorations, insignia, or ceremonial clothes of niggas. Remember when baggy jeans and Timbs were the nigalia, before the Dayglo kicks and tight jeans?

Niggative - [nig-ger-tiv] -adjective Used in response to statements by niggers lacking in constructiveness, helpfulness, optimism, cooperativeness because of seemingly clandestine racism. See, I can't get a job because "the man" is holding me back. (in response). You're just niggative!

Last Blacktion Hero - An African American who has a tendency to speak of an upcoming revolution or their attempts to stop the struggle of African Americans. Who does that vulture Al Sharpton think he is, the Last Blacktion Hero?

I promised last time to add a few terms from "Chapter 2 : Friendly Fire", but I got a little sidetracked and couldn't really get my head around that chapter. So instead I will be adding a few words from "Chapter 5 : Whatever Words". This chapter contains miscellaneous terms used by myself and those within my circle.

Pizzlate - [piz-uhl-leyt] -verb To have sexual intercourse with. Damn, I want to pizzlate Lauren London.

Trauma - [trou-muh] -noun Potent marijuana that produces temporary psychological injury or pain. Yo, I got a mean headache, my cuzino had that trauma last night.

Boonk - [boonk] -noun 1.Disagreeable marijuana. 2.Marijuana laced with another substance. Dude tried to charge me $50 for some brown leaves, like I couldn't tell it was boonk.

Banky - [bangk-kee] -adjective The response to female that you would really enjoy having sex with, as in "depositing in a bank". Yo, Toni Braxton is on the cover of Jet looking really banky.

Pootz - [poots] -noun A person that can do nothing right or is look at as worthless. From the term "poo-putt". George W. Bush is the best example of a pootz.

Beezee - [bee-zee] -noun A person who is physically weak and ineffectual, a synonym for "bitch ass nigga". First, Yung Berg gets ganked in Detroit, then he gets smacked by Maino. Damn beezee!

Deezy - [dee-zee] -noun 1.Word used for an action that is very easy, a mixture of the words "dumb" and "easy". I whipped your ass on Madden, that was deezy! 2.A drink containing vodka and tonic or vodka and Sprite. I was twisted last night, drinking that deezy.

Bong bong - [bong bong] -adverb 1.Used to express affirmation or assent or to mark the addition of something emphasizing and amplifying a previous statement. Did I get that new T.I. album? Bong bong! -noun 2.Affirmative reply. Are you going to the mall? (in response) Bong bong! -interjection 3.Used as a strong expression of joy, pleasure, or approval. Popularized by the RZA. (while listening to a good song) Bong bong!

Suflan - [soo-fleyn] -noun Acronym for "SUcker For Love Ass Nigga". Popularized by Ghostface Killah. Everybody knows that Nas is a suflan.

Cupcakin - [kuhp-keyk-in] -verb The act of constantly spending money, time, or paying too much attention to a person with which you have an infatuation with. T.I.'s song "Whatever You Like" is a prime example of cupcakin.

Following are some words from the subsection of this chapter, entitled "Business Affairs". The word "business" is one of the most versatile words within my vernacular, there are many alternative definitions and spellings of this word. Don't be a pootz, or a beezee, like Yung Berg, and use the wrong spelling of the word.

Bidnezz - [bid-nez] -noun The act of sexual intercourse. Like I've stated before, I'd give Lauren London the bidnezz.

Bizziness - [biz-ee-nis] -noun Something with which a person is rightfully concerned. Jigga said "tell them busy bitches to stay out of my bizziness."

Bidness - [bid-nis] -noun The purchase and sale of illegal goods in an attempt to make a profit. Yo, son on the corner with that "good-good" conducting bidness.

Bizness - [biz-nis] -noun 1.To make difficulties for someone; treat harshly. 2.To scold severely. 3.To physically harm a person. Son tested my manhood, so I had to give him the bizness.

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tell mommy I don't go to the Church, tell Ak' I don't go to Mosque!

I guess it's been a while since I went in on a rant about religion, but nothing really made me want to, then it happened! The other day, like every Saturday, a group of Jehovah Witnesses came knocking at my door. Back when I was younger, the knocking of a group of Witnesses was a chance at hilarity. The best time is when my uncle opened the door nude, hilarious! When my father would answer the door, he would invite them inside for a discussion on religion. To what my father ask them questions that they could not easily answer was funny to me. It may be weird to some, but during my prepubescent years, my brother and I would read encyclopedias during downtime between commercial breaks on "The Incredible Hulk". I enjoyed reading about mythology and religion (which are basically the same thing), and that leads me to the following post.

If God is willing to prevent evil, but is not able to,
then He is not omnipotent.
If He is able, but not willing,
then He is malevolent.
If He is both able and willing,
then whence cometh evil?
If He is neither able nor willing,
then why call Him God?

"The Epicurean Paradox"

For the uninformed, the above quote is one of the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus. Epicurus is known as the founder of the school of Epicureanism, a belief in Atomic Materialism. Atomic Materialism is a mixture of social atomism and materialism. Atomism is the belief that society should be viewed in terms of the individuals' importance and that society is artificially constructed. The philosophy of materialism holds that the only thing that can be truly proven to exist is matter, and is considered a form of physicalism. I consider myself an Epicurean, because I believe that the universe revolves around the interaction of matter, just as society revolves around the interactions of individuals. As an Epicurean, I prescribe to the idea of self-fulfillment. Now, I know that somebody out there reading this is going to say that the idea of self-fulfillment is blasphemous. Or that the belief in personal responsibility is totally contradictory to the belief that a supreme being is in total control of the entire universe. (Dare I say that the idea of one being hearing the mumblings of billions of people is as asinine as the idea of one man delivering presents to billions of people worldwide in one night.) I am also a Deist, and Deism is the belief that there is a "God" that created the physical universe but does not interfere with it. Contrary to popular belief, if you don't prescribe to one of the major religions, you are not automatically an atheist, maybe irreligious, but not automatically atheist. In the words of Styles P, "I pray to Allah, but I'm too foul to go to the Mosque!"

Rational [rash-uh-nl] : being in or characterized by full possession of one's reason; sane; lucid.

Illogical [i-loj-i-kuhl] : contrary to or disregardful of the rules of logic; unreasoning.

Supernatural [soo-per-nach-er-uhl] : of, pertaining to, or being above or beyond what is natural; unexplainable by natural law or phenomena; abnormal.

Magic [maj-ik] : any extraordinary or mystical influence, charm, power, etc.

Fantasy [fan-tuh-see] : a supposition based on no solid foundation.

Schizophrenia [skit-suh-free-nee-uh] : a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: intellectual deterioration, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations.

Crazy [krey-zee] : mentally deranged; demented; senseless; impractical; totally unsound.

The words and there definitions were attached to this composition in order to aid you in understanding the underlying theme. Since the words above will be used considerably throughout the text, I put them up to make it easier for you to comprehend my ideas. The basic theme of this post, is the harm that radical and irrational belief can have on society as a whole. Most people would agree that mentally deranged persons, or crazy people, can be a threat to not only themselves, but to others.

Most religious people that I have had discussions with have labeled my opinions as irrational. By me saying that they can't prove that a "mystery God" (as the Five Percenters call it) exist, I was in someway being irrational. To believe in what is determined as real using the five senses, sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell, is somehow irrational. Obviously, these people have never cracked a dictionary, or they would know that being in possession of ones reason is the definition of rational. Reasoning is coming to a conclusion based on facts, which is what is determined as real using the five senses. It's beyond reasoning that there is some invisible hand controlling what is going on in the world (unless you're talking about the shadow government that they call the Illuminati), it's illogical. Back in May of last year, I asked "Do you believe in magic?" to all of the religious folks out there. Usually that question would receive a stern "No!", but that's only because they don't know the definition of magic. When you ask a Christian "How did Jesus perform the miracles?", they will tell you that as the son of God, he was able to do supernatural feats. So basically, Jesus had some mystical power over the world, and that he could do things beyond the known natural constraints of the world. In other words, he did magic tricks! Now, religion is based on faith, or belief that is not based on proof (check your dictionary). You know what other word has that same exact definition? Fantasy! You follow this ideal based on fantasy, and I'm the irrational person? You throw out facts for fantasy, some talk in tongues, some talk to an invisible God. In psychology, they call a person that does these same things a schizophrenic. The following of religion is totally impractical, it's a belief system based on unfounded evidence, which by definition makes it's followers crazy.

You can see the harm that religion does everyday. From the crazy Muslims that kill themselves and others in the name of Allah. The crazy Jews that will willingly kill to take control of some "sacred land". Or the crazy Christians that will kill to keep women from being in control of their own lives, other religions being able to stay in their own homes (Palestine), and basically do anything to push their Christian beliefs on the world. I'm not going to go as far as Mel Gibson, and say "Jews are responsible for every war" (but they sure had a hand in most of them), but I'm going to say that religion had a position in almost every war ever fought. For something that's supposed to bring people together, it sure as hell has a way of tearing people apart. Maybe I'm wrong for believing religion is dangerous, but I personally fear religious people more than I fear the "immoral" irreligious folks. Religious folks will die for what they believe in, and in a lot of cases, kill for what they believe in. Most irreligious people are living for the reason just to live, while religious zealots are living to get into Heaven or Jannah, and they'll do anything to get on that guest list.

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Rebel to America... I'm causing hysteria!

I was at one time a member of the United States Air Force, not a good member, but a member none the less. During my tenure as an Airman, I probably did some of the dumbest things I've ever did. I won't go into my nigganigans, let's just say that I was a habitual line stepper, "rabble rabble!!" For my actions, I was sent to a "motivational" program that they called Correctional Custody, twice (yeah, I didn't learn the first, or the last time). While in CC, we were woken up by music blaring, crappy music, mainly "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood and "America" by Neil Diamond. When you marched out of your quarters (room), their were American flags on every wall. Almost every three days (I was in for 30), we would watch videos about patriotism and what it means to be a patriot. This bombardment of American propaganda is supposed to stimulate the forgotten patriotism within us ill behaved members of the military. I on the other hand just saw it as brainwashing, Manchurian Candidate style brainwashing.

My brother, and most of the people that I went to elementary school with, will tell you that I have never been patriotic in the terms that "Real Americans" speak of. When I was in elementary school, I bucked the system and refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance (they called my pops and he told them to go fuck themselves, I'm paraphrasing). So, when I decided to join the military, my father questioned if it was a good choice (I should have question it too). In my house, when I was a child, Louis Farrakhan was a voice that was heard, as well as Malcolm X. I read the scribes of Marcus Garvey, Noble Drew Ali, and Imaam Isa (before the molestation thing). I was well on my way to embracing the notion of being anti establishment. The strangest thing about my anti establishment views is that most of my employed life was spent working directly for the government.

So, after years of working for "the man", I am back to being a civilian, and being even more anti establishment. During my time as a government employee, I learned just how much this government sucks at their job. But, I'm not going to go into a rant about the shitty bureaucracy that we call the American government. I want to address the asinine assumption that there is a "Real America" and the unpatriotic big city America. I happen to be from a big city that some of you may have never heard of, New York City. I may be critical of America, okay, I am very critical of America. I distrust and sometimes downright despise the American government. I distrust and sometimes just hate most Americans. Sometimes I sit and watch the populace of America and I find them totally stupid. When people are screaming these idiotic slogans like "God bless America and nowhere else", "if you don't like America, leave", and other nonsense, I begin to throw up a little bit in my mouth. It's insane, in my opinion, the intolerance of Americans. Take for example, when a misinformed lady told John McCain that Barack Obama was an Arab. He tried to correct her by saying "He's a decent family man...", basically saying that an Arab man can't be a decent family man. Or, how about Sarah Palin saying that big city Americans aren't hard workers, aren't kind, courageous or good. Must I remind her that the hardworking, courageous members of the FDNY ran into the World Trade Center on September 11th, 1999. Must I state that on that same day, I, myself, an "unpatriotic" big city native, was prepping airplanes that were to protect America. Now, I'm not going to spend an entire blog bashing the Republican party, because Democrats suck just as much (Vote Cynthia McKinney), but what makes being an intolerant, misinformed, bumbling idiot at all patriotic. I've got to say, I love being tolerant, I enjoy staying informed, I would love to be an elitist (I am), and if that makes me unpatriotic, then so be it.

By the way, the definition of Elitism is the belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect. I don't know about anybody else, but I would love for our President to possess intellect higher than Joe Sixpack or Joe the plumber (whose not even a licensed plumber). Does anybody actually want an idiot in that position? We've had that for eight years now, are you satisfied? Hey, I'm not going to use this as a platform for Barack Obama, lets just say that I would never vote for John McCain with "Caribou Barbie" as his running mate. Also, I've resided in the "Real America" and the unpatriotic America, and I've got to admit, I love this big city life. I love the coffee shop talks about politics, I enjoy the opportunity to be friends with a diverse group of people, and I mostly love the 24 hour bodega (bet y'all don't have that in Wasilla).

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Ladybug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

All your songs, it's a shame, they cheesy! Wonder why people don't go and spend their change on the weekly!

Like most days, today I was "retiring Duce Staley like the 2006 Philadelphia Eagles" (taking a shit). And whenever I have a "running back", a Duece McAllister, if you will, I like to listen to music to soothe the savage beast. The selection for today's playoff game happened to be Lauryn Hill's "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill". As I was listening to "Superstar", that invention that my high school's namesake (Edison) took credit for went off in my head. Lauryn's words echoed within my cerebral cortex, "Now tell me your philosophy / on exactly what an artist should be. / Should they be someone with prosperity / and no concept of reality? / Now, who you know without any flaws, / that lives above the spiritual laws / and does anything they feel just because / there's always someone there who'll applaud?". For a song written in 1998 (targeted at Puff Daddy, or whatever his name was that day), it still rings so true today. I don't listen to the radio much these days, and since Rap City has been taken off the air, I've been using the Interwebs to listen to new music. And even though everyday I hear a new track, or five, I'm still not impressed.

I can remember back when I was in high school, my cucalidae (family name for Cuckoo birds, in the Digzionary defined as [koo-koo-lee-dey] -noun Friend, from slang word cuckoo, meaning crazy, synonym for "Loc") and I would hit Jamaica Ave. to cop the new drop almost every Tuesday. We'd rip the package open, pop the cassette or CD into our Walkmans, and vibe out. I can still envision us on the Q113 or the A train with our headphones on nodding hard as hell to whatever dropped that Tuesday. We would pick up the Source (before Benzino ruined it) or XXL and check the release dates, and we'd be in the store that day. If it was a special edition that we couldn't get on Jamaica Ave., we'd even ride all the way to Manhattan, just to get it out of Tower Records (RIP) or the Virgin Megastore (RIP). A release was like an event, the posters plastered on lamppost down Guy R. Brewer Blvd., the promotional vans driving down Jamaica Ave., monumental! Tearing open that sweet poly wrapping on that new cassette or CD felt like unwrapping that first present on Christmas. Now, it's like unwrapping all your presents and getting nothing but socks (thank you Grandma!).

I remember thinking how fly the Wally Champ was with the robes.

Anybody that grew up in the same generation of Hip-Hop as me, they can remember Tuesday, August 1, 1995. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. I just graduated junior high school, it was a wonderful New York summer, and I had to hit the record shop. This wondrous event, I believe, is the reason for the record dryness in New York City that August. The release of that record made it a hot summer (unlike the one that Cam'ron promised back in 2007, that clown). We can all remember the picture of Raekwon blowing smoke out of his mouth, with the Wally Champ behind him with fingers pointing out like pistols ready to kill other emcees. Close your eyes, can you remember running a key or your fingernail along a crevice in the cassette case to crack the shrink wrap. Then you popped open the case, and to your amazement, there was this purple tape sitting inside. You inserted it into your Walkman and zoned out, losing yourself inside the tales that Rae and Ghost told. I know that I, myself, was fixed in a state of awe, as soon as I heard Ghostface say "Yo, son, check the fly shit,son!". Forever I will remember the day that "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx...", aka "the purple tape", dropped. Can anyone name an event like that in this Billboard chasing Hip-Hop world.

There has been albums that dropped to crazy anticipation, "Get Rich or Die Tryin'", "The Black Album", "The Eminem Show", etc.. But even though these releases had great first week sales, they didn't have the same impact as the releases that my friends and I ran to the store for. Can you remember the last time you listened to an entire rap album, without skipping one song? Can you remember when you actually listened to a rap album? Probably not, you probably just download the hot songs to put on your iPod. Unlike the rest of the Hip-Hop community, I'm not going to blame the Interwebs for the decline in people buying albums. No, not at all, I blame the artist (if you can call them that), they seem to have no clue on how to make an actual album. Think back to the albums of the Golden Age, they had an intro, skits, songs with themes, an outro, and great song configuration. Albums today are just a bunch of songs thrown on a CD, no theme, no configuration, just a bunch of songs thrown together. Where's the intro, the skits, the theme, the configuration? Listening to an album today is like boonk ([boonk] -noun 1.Disagreeable marijuana 2.Marijuana laced with another substance), you hit it, smack your friend that gave it to you, an never touch it again. Albums from the good days were more like potent trauma ([trou-muh] -noun Potent marijuana that produces temporary psychological injury or pain.), you'd buy it, smoke it, forget where you left it, and cop it again (I brought almost every album from the Golden Age at least twice). But, more importantly, I blame the listeners for allowing this crap to happen. When the listeners aren't demanding more from the artist, they can expect the whole "moppet having sex effect" (one shot and done). We, as listeners, need to put these rappers into the pressure cooker and try to make them into emcees.

I've gotta cop me a robe!

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

I know you like the way I'm freakin' it, I talk with slang and I'ma never stop speakin' it!

So, anybody that reads my blog or talks to me, knows that I use numerous slang words. I am from the "hood", so when I converse, or I should say "politic/polly" or "conversate", I use street vernacular. I want to let everybody enter my mind, so I will like to introduce you to the "Digzionary". Some of these words may be familiar to you and some of them may be new, whatever the case, enjoy them and use them well.

Let's begin with "Chapter 4 : Love Blackually"

Nigger - [nig-er] -noun 1.A term used between ignorant friends. 2.A person showing a lack of care, knowledge or training. 3.A person who has been tricked or deceived into appearing or acting silly or stupid. 4.A weak-minded or idiotic person. You're my nigger!

Niggerdom - [nig-er-duhm] -noun The state of being or becoming a nigger. Actions that are stereotypically done by niggers. I don't practice that niggerdom!

Niggeropolis - [nig-rop-uh-lis] –noun, plural -lis·es. A neighborhood that is largely populated by niggers. Far Rockaway is such a niggeropolis.

Niggernomics - [nig-er-nom-iks] -noun 1.(used with a singular verb) the science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services, or the material welfare of niggers. You spent your rent money on sneakers, stop practicing niggernomics. 2.(used with a plural verb) financial considerations; economically significant aspects: What are the niggernomics of such a project?

Niggerosity - [nig-er-os-i-tee] –noun, plural -ties. a. The property of a nigger that resists change from said nigger's niggerdom. b. The measure of the extent to which a nigger possesses this property. That nigger DMX got arrested again, he has the highest niggerosity I've ever seen.

Niggerology - [nig-er-ol-uh-jee] -noun 1.The science that deals with the origins, physical and cultural development, biological characteristics, and social customs and beliefs of niggers. 2.The study of niggers' similarity to and divergence from other people. 3.The science of niggers and their works. Chris Rock is always talking about the difference between Black people and niggers, he's very verse in Niggerology.

Nigganigans - [nig-an-i-guhns] -noun The mischief, deceit, trickery, or underhanded acts associated with niggers. Maino smacked Yung Berg, he's back to his nigganigans.

Niggerdry - [nig-er-dree] –noun The art, skill, or accomplishments of a nigger. Tracy Morgan is hosting "Hip Hop Honors", he pocesses some amazing niggerdry.

Niggerish - [nig-er-ish] -adjective Of, pertaining to, befitting, or resembling, a nigger. Rock Diggie is so niggerish!

Niggerant - [nig-er-uhnt] -adjective An action by a nigger due to or showing lack of care, knowledge or training. Look at them rims, that's so niggerant!

Exblackly - [igz-blak-lee] -adverb As you say. Used to indicate agreement, sarcastically, with a racial statement pertaining to African Americans. They're going to find a way to keep Obama out of the White House. (in response) Exblackly!

Blackually - [blak-choo-uh-lee] -adverb As a sentence modifier to add slight emphasis, used in response to a stereotypical assuption. Yo, son, you got any Kool Aid? (in response) Blackually, I only drink water!

Blacktastic - [blak-tas-tik] -adjective In form, conception, or appearance that is in stereotypical African American fashion. The lights went out about three times at the club last night, so blacktastic!

Terms for females (sorry ladies)from "Chapter 3 : The Oviary"

Bird - [burd] -noun From British slang. A young woman. I met this fly bird at the club last night.

Duck - [duhk] -noun An unattractive young woman who believes she is attractive. Usually has low intelligence or common sense. Usually kept around as a substitute for when no other female is available. Yo, she's an ugly duck, but she's easy, and I don't have anyone else.

Pigeon - [pij-uhn] -noun A falsely appealing female, uses her friend's car, money, clothes, etc.. Tries to date men to get something out of the relationship, being rides, money, clothes, etc.. She's a pigeon, that's her homegirl's shit she rocking.

Chicken - [chik-uhn] -noun A female that uses sexual acts for monetary gains. Sometimes refered to as a Chickenhead. She wanted me to cop her a #1 from Mickey D's just cause I hit it, damn chicken!

Goose - [goos] -noun Similar to a duck, but more attractive. Usually has low intelligence or common sense. Usually kept around as a substitute for when no other female is available. You couldn't get no bird, I bet you can talk that dumb goose into it.

Swan - [swon] -noun A female that was once unattractive but has became extremely attractive. Yo, she was ugly as fuck back in junior high, but that swan fine as shit now.

Dodo - [doh-doh] -noun A female that is very dim-witted and slow-reacting, Not neccessarily lacking intelligence, but very slow to respond. Sarah Palin is a dodo!

Owl - [oul] -noun An acronym for Over Weight Lady. Jennifer Hudson can get it, even though she's kind of an owl.

Ostrich - [aw-strich, os-trich] -noun A female whose lower anatomy is better than her upper anatomy. Usually long legs and a nice butt. Damn she's an ostrich, look at that ass, but don't look above her waist.

Turkey - [tur-kee] -noun A promiscuous female (turkeys get stuffed). You might catch something, that bird is a turkey.

Quail - [kweyl] -noun A young female that tries to fool men into thinking she is not a minor. R Kelly is a quail hunter.

Roadrunner - [rohd-ruhn-er] -noun A prostitute. (got another definition, a little too dirty, even for this blog) My dude told me he went up to Hunts Point to get a roadrunner for his bornday.

Phoenix - [fee-niks] -noun The perfect female, a person of peerless beauty or excellence. Sometimes refered to as "wife material". Named after the mythical bird (because this bird is pretty much mythical too). I thought Jessica Alba was a Phoenix, then she up and married that lamo.

Rest in Peace, Marlon "Brando" Bryant

Stay tuned for more words out of the "Digzionary". Next time we will go over "Chapter 6 : Straight Out of a Comic Book" and "Chapter 2 : Friendly Fire".

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Ladybug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Why's everything that supposed to be bad, make me feel so good? Everything they told me not to, is exactly what I would!

I guess this is kind of a follow-up to my last blog entry, sort of a post script. I guess most people that read that entry came to the conclusion that I was getting all emotional and bitch-like. Let me clarify, I have a penis, I have never been pre-menstrual, they call me Rock because I'm hard, dunn!! (extra exclamation for extra hardness) If it came across like I have a fear of rejection (because I actually said that I do), that is a mistaken assumption. I don't fear rejection, I kind of fear letting people get to know me. Some people have called me sadistic (I like seeing people lose), immature (yeah, I'm a grown ass boy, so what?), ignorant at times (isn't that the definition of a nigga), discordant (my crew used to call ourselves the F.Y.F. Mafia, Fuck Your Feelings), and downright bastardly and assholish (thank you Sean). Some of my idiosyncrasies turn people off. So, for a while now, whenever I'm around new faces, I stay silent and a little withdrawn for fear that I might say something out of line. If you ask my friends and family, they will probably say that I have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. And the more comfortable I get with a person, the more likely I am to say something abrasive or just a little hurtful, for example, here's a conversion between my boy, a female I was kicking it with and me (names changed to protect the innocent).

A commercial for Lexus is on the television.
The girl : I like that car, I want that one day.
My boy : Yo, Digz, when you become a rapper, you can cop that for her.
The girl : When you drop an album, are you gonna buy me a car?
Diggie : Shit, when I drop an album, I'm dropping you for Alicia Keys!

See, it's statements like that that have pushed people away from me (shockingly, that girl is still one of my best friends). Some people may think "oh, he's just joking", no son, I am brutally honest, I would've dropped her for Alicia Keys. If a fat girl asks me "Do these pants make my butt look big?", I would most likely respond "No, your fat ass makes your butt look big!". It's just my nature to say whatever comes to my mind, regardless of the consequences.

Even though my brother says "Snapping" (confrontational in any situation) is a family trait (must've skipped over my brother, he bottles things and I, I'm more into revenge and get back), I believe it's our unchained mouths. In my house it's a chance that you're going to get offended. From my grandmother to my niece, my family has a tendency to be brutally honest. Most times, we may be joking, but like most people say, it's funny because it's true. Seriously, my uncle's wife sometimes fears coming to the house, because it's guaranteed that somebodies going to say something a tad bit hateful. For example, here's a conversation between my uncle and I.

My brother is serving pork to people at a family BBQ. By the way, my uncle is a Muslim.
My uncle : Your grandmother shouldn't eat that pork.
Diggie : Why not? Come on man, the Quran is outdated!

Some of you may not find this offensive, but I disrespected the man's religion (kind of my religion too). It's statements like that that are heard all the time in my grandmother's house. From comments on family member's significant others to family members, nobody is safe. I guess this is one of the reasons that I don't really allow people to get that close to me. I thought about the other reason the other day, while watching a movie.

Last Friday morning, I finally watched "The Wackness", a film about a Jewish weed dealer in 1990's New York City. The film had me thinking, even though I share nothing in common with the protagonist (not being Jewish, a weed dealer, or a loser), I can relate to some of the underlying sub-plot. There's a certain portion of dialogue that really talked to me, a conversation between Josh Peck's (yes, from the Nickelodeon show "Drake & Josh) character "Luke Shapiro" and Olivia Thirlby's "Stephanie".

Stephanie : Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It's that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don't have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it's like you just look at the wackness, ya know?

I got the statement that Stephanie was making, mostly because that's exactly how I view everything. I have got to be the biggest pessimist in the world. I mean, if you point a girl out to me, I'm automatically going to look for her flaws. If somebody tells me a song is good, I'm going to automatically look for the missteps. I listen to politicians and I can't help but think that they're plotting something. It's like I can't love anything until I find a reason to hate it. I guess, like the main character from the film, I just look at the wackness.

I lived most of my life in "the hood", where bad things happened on the regular. Maybe that is what makes me so pessimistic. Maybe, just living around Humans is what makes me pessimistic. It's like the more time goes on, the worst things get. It's kind of like that half empty glass keeps getting emptier. When you live around bad situations, good times are just times when you're waiting for the next shoe to drop. As I go through my mental Rolodex, I think of the friends I have and the ones I've lost. Every time I meet somebody that wants to be my friend, I start to think of why. What do they want from me? I believe, in general, people are opportunist, they will take advantage of any situation if it helps them reach their goal. I've thought about my friendships and relationships, and I've realized that I try to please people so much, I let them take advantage of me. Ever since I learned that fact, I've tried to make sure that people in my circle were really my people. The mission to analyze my friendships made me skeptical of new ones, that's probably why I haven't added anybody to my circle in the last couple years.

I don't know, maybe I'm too pessimistic, but I don't trust a soul on this or any other planet. I figure, if I don't want to be taken advantage of, I'd just avoid putting myself in the position to be. I do this especially in relationships, I've seen Suflan's (Pronunciation [soo-fleyn] noun an acronym - SUcker For Love Ass Nigga) with their hearts broken and crying and shit, and I don't really want to ever be in that position. Maybe I need to start letting people in more. I write my feelings and beliefs on this blog, yet I can't let actual people into my head. I need to express myself freely in the actual world as freely as I do on the Internet. I'm still growing and hopefully I will learn to trust myself and other people.

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Butterfly" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Now you caught my heart for the evening, kiss my cheeks, moved in, you confused things!

So, yet again, I was checking out my twin's blog, and I got to this entry, I was also vibing to A Tribe Called Quest at the time (if you don't like the Native Tongues, you should commit seppuku). The combination of that chart and the congenial composition that is "Find A Way" had me contemplating the complexities of compatibility (check the alliteration, genius). I'm not that good at relationships, friendships, companionships, spaceships, worship, warships, Battleship (I'm always getting sunk), and most other ships. Some question that I've often asked myself. What makes a good friendship? What makes a good relationship? Are we with people just because we're lonely and we need somebody to make us feel needed? And the main topic of this entry, where is the line between a friendship and a relationship? I don't know the answers to these questions, so I decided to do some scientific research (not really, just listening to a bunch of crappy R&B songs).

I don't want to come of as some soft, sensitive dude, so I'm going to inject some assholish, jerky comment here. "If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together." Okay, now that that's out of the way, back to the blog entry. How do you know if you're ready to move out of the friendship zone (isn't that the point of having a female friend, an insurance policy)? How do you get pass the awkwardness of a F-buddy that wants to be more? When is it right to move on to the next step in a relationship (whatever that means)? I understand that as you get older, the dynamics of relationships are supposed to change. As you mature, you're supposed to handle situations differently. Well, since I became an adult (like five minutes ago, when I started writing this crappy ass entry), I haven't been in a real relationship (whatever that is). I don't understand the dynamics of an adult relationship. I mean, the last relationship that I was in, I was like a teenage boy watching scrambled porn, just waiting for things to get clear for a minute. I look at relationships like the American stock market, why invest when you're not guaranteed a return. All my life, I suffered from kakorrhaphiophobia (look it up), so I never tried to spit at females I didn't know, so most of the girls I kicked it with were my friends (probably why I don't have any female friends now). I figured, hey, she already knows me, I don't really have to be extra. If you don't understand, "extra" is all the romantic shit you do in the beginning to get a girl. All that wining and dining, the wooing and other bullshit. I didn't realize that you had to actually put in work to jump that line from friend zone to relationship (who would've figured). So, damn near every relationship that I've been in stayed in that awkward zone.

And then there was the F-buddies (not many), which for a dude like me, was an exercise in futility. See, I used to hang out with pole-workers (not poll workers, I don't vote), and I used to pizzlate (Pronunciation [piz-uhl-leyt] verb to have sexual intercourse with) their friends. That is about the easiest thing in the world to do, you're basically getting paid off of somebody else's labor. You know how it works, "tell your homegirl, I'm like a fishmonger" or "tell your friend I want to check her tonsils like an ENT Specialist". I'm not going to use words like smut, lay or jump-off, lets just say, these women are looking for disposable companionship. Even though I enjoyed these furloughs, it just wasn't me. I know that most dudes view a F-buddy as hitting the lottery, and not having to pay the luxury tax. I don't know, maybe I'm not a total heartless bastard, but I can't treat any relationship like a firing range, you know, go in, shoot a couple rounds, get out, and come back when my trigger finger's itching again. I know, the sensitivity again, well, time for some bastardry. " How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free."

I don't know, maybe boredom has set in because there is nothing on television. Maybe I've listen to Neyo's new album a little too much in the past few days. Maybe I watch too many romantic comedies (I can't help it, most other movies suck). Maybe I've just ran out of topics to write about (I've peaked at 26, how sad). Hey, at least I'm in a relationship that has yet to let me down; I love you, (no hyperlink to porn, that's just tasteless, even for me).

PhotobucketMy favorite dude, on my favorite porn site. Don't worry, he's not pizzlating.

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Watch a flick, illing, and root for the villain!

Okay, I guess this is a follow up to my last post. Anybody that knows me, knows that I enjoy three recreational activities above all, television, music and movies. My usual day (night) goes like this, I wake up and check the Hip-Hop blogs for new music to hate, I turn on the television and set the DVR for some shows, then I go through the extensive DVD library in my house. So, basically, my day revolves around these three things. So the other day I was watching "Shooter", and a question came to my mind, "does Hollywood (authors, actually) really think this stuff out before they start filming?

Everybody knows the film, the government/secret agency/corporation builds/brainwashes/trains a soldier/assassin/spy. During an accident/set-up/mission, the soldier/assassin/spy has a notion that the government/secret agency/corporation is doing something evil/trying to kill him, and it is up to him to stop them. I, like most people, enjoy most films with this premise. I love the entire "Bourne" series, I tolerated the "Mission Impossible" films, I enjoy all espionage flicks in general. My question isn't why do they make them, my question is why are the villains so stupid?

Every movie of this type is the same, from "James Bond" to "Art of War", a trained soldier or whatever has to fight throughout the entire film. From the opening credits, we can all see that this unlucky bastard just won't go down, why can't the villains see the same thing. Any film where the hero is constantly being chased by an organization, the idiotic villain never stops to rethink his strategy. Come on, after Jason Statham kicked the asses of about a dozen of your armed soldiers, are you just going to send in a dozen more? I know what you're going to do next, you're going to call for your special martial arts expert, your crazy hot, crazy, killer chick, or your steroid pumped strong man. And you know what happens then, the hero has a problem for about three seconds, and then proceeds to kick ass, just like before. After that mishap, you get the idea to throw everything at this dude, including the kitchen sink. As you should have guessed by now, this unstoppable force, who has been shot several times and broken at least three bones, thwarts your plans. What's left? You can go either two ways, give up and go to your secret hideout or fight the son of a bitch yourself. Let's go with the first scenario, you're in your secret hideout, you receive a phone call/letter/e-mail/text message that says either your dead or that he's coming for you. At that moment either he blows you up/shoots you/chokes you from behind or the credits roll (save something for a sequel). The secret hideout idea may have been a bad one! Okay, what about the latter, fighting the hero yourself. The first question you should ask yourself is, why, if you could have defeated him yourself, why didn't you do that from the jump? The second question should be, if this adrenaline driven madmen killed your henchmen, the body count has to be about a hundred (more deaths, more revenue), what makes you so damn tough to kill? You know how this is going to end, you laying in a pool of blood wondering "why didn't I just let the fact that this dude dropped my brother out of a window slide?" or "why didn't we just leave this guy's girlfriend alone?".

Why are government conspirators/criminal masterminds/corporate geniuses portrayed as total idiots? Does having the highest IQ in the entire film mean that you lack common sense? I know it would make for a very short and sucky movie, but how about, after the hero kills 30 0r so of your henchmen, you forget about kidnapping his wife/girlfriend/child, and cut your lost and move on? The worst would be the hero that was built/brainwashed/trained by the villain. If you already know that you did some amazing work on this crazy dude, why would you even dare go up against him? Oh, I forgot about the everyday Joe Simpleton, who thwarts the plans of the government conspirators/criminal masterminds/corporate geniuses. How did this idiot beat you, better still, how did you get into the prestigious position that you sit in?

Come on, an aging guy on the verge of being put on crossing guard duty thwarts, not just one, but four criminal masterminds (including a pair of brothers)! A labor lawyer and a retiree who lives with a bunch of cats takes down a government conspiracy (where the hell are they at when we need them?)! A driver, a man whose job is literally just to drive, takes down, in three films, over fifty henchmen and three bosses! What the hell is wrong with these villains?

Okay, Hollywood, I've got a quandary, there's a villain, yet no known hero in sight. Here's the villain's back story. The villain is a known racist, he was against the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, supported apartheid in South Africa and opposed the release of Nelson Mandela. He led enterprises that specialized in the criminal misuse of oil and weaponry. He infiltrated the government and proceeded to limit funding and downsize the military. He came up with plans to use force against nations that he deemed as enemies to his plots. He organized the genocides of millions, some of other nations and some of "his own people". The villain failed to disclose documents of importance to the people, leaked the identity of a spy, and even shot a man and made the victim apologize for getting shot. He may or may not be immortal, surviving numerous health problems and an assassination attempt. He is an immoral, callous, compassionless man. He even has a secret hideout. Now, I'd really appreciate if Hollywood could create a hero to thwart this criminal mastermind.

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Butterfly" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

When the scene unfolds!!!!!!

Oscar Wilde coined the aphorism, "Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life." I was watching "Fox and Friends" this morning and it had me thinking about Wilde's statement. As I watched the ongoing reports on the dwindling economy, I saw a parallel in current events and films. My brother and I grew up as film junkies (I guess because our pops brought crazy bootlegs), so I've learned to love the moving image. Some of my favorite types of films are dystopian films, political thrillers, and psychological science fiction. Maybe it's because I'm skeptical about politics, maybe the weed cloud I grew up in has me in a permanent state of paranoia, or maybe I just mistrust anyone with power. So, as I was scanning the guide on the DirecTV, I saw "Live Free or Die Hard", and it had me examining the plan they had to overthrow the government.

How do you actually go about overthrowing the government without making too many people suspicious? Well here's my plot outline for Hollywood.

The first thing you have to do is infiltrate the infrastructure, the best way to break down an organization is from the inside (word to Sun Tzu). I guess in America you would try to go about this by getting elected into some public office and working your way up the ladder. Then you have to find a way to limit the ability for the infrastructure to fight back. Once you're in the position of power you put your allies into positions to aid you in the ultimate goal. After laying your plans, it's time for you to start attacking. Just like in "Live Free or Die Hard", you have to start breaking down societal systems. The systems include defense, finance, and energy. I would start with defense, by starting a war, you weaken the military. With the military preoccupied, they are unable to protect the homeland, making it easier for you to take-over. The war also keeps the public distracted and unaware of your ultimate goals. Your next step would be to soften the finance system of the government. Give major companies aid in moving their operations to other locations, limiting available jobs. With a job shortage, unemployment will rise, homelessness will follow (making the entire country Detroit). Without commerce, companies will start to fall, which will be followed by a dwindling stock market. The final system would be energy, a major need in any country. You could create an energy crisis, it doesn't have to be real, just use speculation to say that the crisis will happen. With the horrible financial situation, you can just raise energy prices to a point where nobody can afford it. When questions arise about the defense problem, blame it on an cabalistic enemy. When questions come up concerning the financial crisis, you can always call it a downward trend, that will eventually turn around or a result of acts by the cabalistic enemy. To quiet questions about the energy crisis, you can blame it on citizens' overuse of resources, creating a cloud of guilt as a distraction or a result of acts by the cabalistic enemy (cabalistic enemy is a must-have). With the breakdown of the defenses, people won't have protection from crime and other problems that a military is needed for. The financial and energy crises will have a direct affect on food, housing, etc.. You have accomplished your mission of destroying the infrastructure, good job!

With people scared and hopeless, they will start begging for help. Who will save them? You! With a breakdown in the basic structure of society, it is necessary to find some order. How is that accomplished? Two words, martial law! I'm sorry, around here they call it a "state of emergency". Throw out the rules, remove the normal freedoms, you are now the supreme commander and chief. Get rid of elections, don't worry about oppositions, ship them to a detainment center for terrorist. Have fun, you're the man! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Photobucket Follow the steps above and this could be you!

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Ladybug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

My life, my life, my life in the sunshine!

Well, it's nearing my Tricennial, my Pearl Anniversary, in four years, on the same day as Britney Spears, Lucy Liu, Nelly Furtado, Teairra Marie, and, my favorite Sagittarius, from HBO's Cathouse, Isabella Soprano (just some gift ideas), I will be turning 30. One of my best friends reminded me of this the other day (thanks, you fucking downer). You know how somebody tells you that a deadline is imminent, and your mind starts processing a whole bunch of shit it wasn't ready to? Yeah, I had that moment. I started thinking about careers, houses, cars, children, and other adult things (you thought I was going to say marriage, right? Do I look like a chick, huh?). I guess that 30 would be too early to have a midlife crisis, so I guess I'll just have an early life crisis. You know the questions that run through your head. Have I wasted 30 years of my life? Have I accomplished any of the goals I set (I never set any, so I'm cool)? Am I ready to grow up? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? And just like you, I have no answers (unlike you, I don't care).

So, I'm sitting here, guzzling a Heineken, thinking about the questions I will ultimately have to answer. You remember when you were a child, you looked at adults and thought that they were having fun being grown ups. They didn't have homework, they did whatever they wanted, they didn't have all the stupid rules that you had, and they didn't have to answer to stupid grown ups. And what did you realize when you became an adult? That was all bullshit! You started working and realized that this is a lot like school, which sucked. Yeah, you get paid, but you have to pay bills now. You can't just do whatever you want, you have responsibilities now. At least you don't have the stupid rules, right? Wrong, you have more rules, and these rules have worst consequences. Remember when you got into a fight and your punishment was a time-out (ass-whipping in my case), well now if you get into a fight, you punishment is jail. Oh, and the not answering to stupid grown ups, what about that? If you're at work, look over at your supervisor, he's definitely a grown up and most likely a stupid one. If you're at home or at Starbucks, open another window and go to, that has got to be the stupidest grown up around. So, is being an adult as cool as it looked like when you were a child?

To answer all those question that went through my mind, I have no answers! I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'll be, I'm just hoping for the best. I was reading my brother's blog, and I got to an entry, and it made me think. Hey, if my brother is Earl Hickey, I must be Randy Hickey. Maybe I do need to reevaluate my life. Pretty soon I'll be in a hotel room with my brother, riding around in my crappy car, getting into wacky shenanigans. Hey, that doesn't sound too bad at all!

Photobucket My brother and I. Oh, and a hot Latina that I'm married to. Cool

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Butterfly" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What would it take to authenticate my niggerness?

So, a while back I was checking out this website that my brother put me up on (what up, S.), it's entitled Stuff White People Like, very interesting and entertaining. One problem though, as I continued reading the posts, I noticed something. I noticed that I like most of this stuff too. I like coffee, I love sweaters, I rock scarves year round, I enjoy sushi, the Daily Show, wine, New Balance kicks, threatening to move to Canada, etc.. In all honesty, from their list of 109 things, I count about 70 things that I love too. My question is, does this make me less Black, am I subconsciously practicing allopphillia (emulating other groups not your own), or am I just doing me, and being from a culturally diverse city, have I become an amalgamation of the melting pot? I'm wondering, because I remember when I was a child in "the hood", whenever a young Black person liked something other than the regular hood staples, they were seen as trying to be White. I've never had that problem (maybe because I'm very niggerish), but my very eloquent sister and driven brother did. My sister told me of how she was told "you speak so well", like it was an astronomical feat for an African American female from "the hood" to use proper grammar and diction. My brother was a gifted student (what happened?), so he went to a private school, and anyone from "the hood" that strives for a greater intelligence, is trying to be White. I know for a fact, that my sister and brother don't strive to be or consider themselves to be White or White-like. So I decided to check out some other sites.

There's this other site, entitled Stuff Educated Black People Like. I guess this is a site dedicated to the black entrepreneurs that get rich and move to the Buckhead section of Atlanta. I don't know, maybe I'm an uneducated Black person, but out of their list of about 30 things, I only found 6 things I like (2 would be Barack and boat shoes). Maybe I just don't have that much in common with these educated Black people that they are referring to. Maybe I'm just a little too niggerish for these educated Black people. But, wait, I have so much in common with White people, I must not be too niggerish. What if I swayed so far away from my people, that I don't have anything in common with the educated ones of my ethnic group? Fuck that, I have to do some more research.

So, I look on Google for Stuff Black People Love, and I am reassured of my niggerness. The site is still under construction, it's crude and uncreative, very niggerish. So I hit up the link to their former site, and it was just as crude and uncreative as I would expected. I would tell you the relation of my likes to their list, but it's not numbered and I'm kind of tired. Let's just say, I like damn near everything on their list. I mean, who doesn't love "chinkiness" and finding out that a criminal is not Black. It made me feel totally secure with my niggerness. It brought me so much relief, I had flashbacks to my nigganigans (nigga shenanigans) as a youth, in my Niggeropolis, studying Niggernomics and Niggerology, trying to maintain my Niggerosity. I apologize to anybody that I offended with my use of the N-word. Damn, I apologized, something else to add to my list of things I have in common with White people. Somebody pass me a Newport, some Kool-Aid and let's spark the revolution.

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Doodlebug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Dr. Kanye West or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the New Puff Daddy

The way I'm going to start this post is going to be with a flashback sequence. So, cue the foggy visual and the crappy harp music. I'm going to take you back for a minute. Can you hear the song playing, can you hear it. "Now with Sean on this hot track, melt like it's hot wax", "I was in one bedroom, dreaming of a million", "Put your money on the table and get your math on". You're feeling it now, right? The year is 1997, after successful, critically acclaimed albums by Nas, The Notorious B.I.G., and Wu-Tang Clan, things are about to change. One thing that "Illmatic", "Ready To Die", and "Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)", is that they all had a grimy New York City street edge to them. These albums, as well as "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx...", "The Coming", "Beats, Rhymes & Life" and albums from other regions, such as "ATLiens", "The Chronic", "Doggystyle", and "The Diary", led to the era between the late 80's and 1996 being coined as the Golden Age of Hip-Hop. Everything was right with the world, until, a young man from Harlem, New York, by the name of Sean John Combs, came to change our world. Combs saw the hard edge of rap music and, I guess, he decided to soften it. Combs introduced the Hip-Hop world to Cristal (actually, Wu-Tang introduced it), the shiny suits (actually, Dr. Dre), heavy sampling (Premo did it, only better), he reintroduced dancing (a la Hammer), and jump started the Jiggy movement. On July 1, 1997, "No Way Out" was released, and from there on a bottle would never go un-popped. Following the release of "No Way Out", we were introduced to Bling, Bentleys, brilliant-cuts, and bad music.

Fast forward to our present predicament. There has been a debate going on within Hip-Hop circles for the past few years. A somewhat new (not really new, at all) genre of rap music was introduced to the world, Hipster rap. Some would say that Hipster rap is a sub genre of Alternative rap (alternative to what exactly). A lot of people would trace Alternative rap back to Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and others. I agree, these acts are different from the mainstream Hip-Hop acts that are shown on BET or played on your local stations. Now, I wouldn't trace Hipster rap back to these acts, but rather to one act, Kanye West. You all know the lyrics, "What if somebody from the Chi, that was ill, got a deal / on the hottest rap label around? / But he was talking bout coke and birds, it was more like spoken word...". In this new era of Hip-Hop, where everyone was a drug dealer, turned rapper, turned baller (kind of a mix of Golden Age themes and Jiggy Era subject), Kanye was praised for being different. He was the child of a professor, his father was a photojournalist / ex-Black Panther. He attended college. He rapped about personal issues, Jesus Christ, fashion, politics, etc.. While the rest of the Hip-Hop nation was either leaning and rocking with it or flipping birds, West was finding ways to stay away from the norm. Contrary to popular belief (and T-Pain), Mr. West introduced the rap world to the "Auto-Tune" (a crappy computerize version of the Talk-Box made famous by Roger Troutman and Parliament/Funkadelic). His over the top wardrobe and stage shows have made him a style icon. And in 2004, with the release of "The College Dropout", Mr. West changed the game, in the same manner as Puff Daddy did back in 1997. After Kanye's success with being "different", other rappers came out and attempted to shine by being "different". From Kanye came Lupe Fiasco, who raps about robots and manga (and dresses like a drunk Kanye, I like to refer to him as "Kanye Lite"), Kid Sister, who raps about nails and beepers (and only has a deal because she's dating Kanye's DJ), The Cool Kids, who rap about nothing, like a "Seinfeld" episode (and wear the tightest jeans I've ever seen), Jay Electronica, Kid Cudi, Wale, Izza Kizza, and sometimes Kidz in the Hall (who I wouldn't put in the same category as the rest of these sucky people, they are actually good). I guess most people define Hipster rappers as people with a fascination with retro clothing and 80's culture (half these kids didn't even grow up in the 80's), and dress different from the status-quo (even though once everyone is wearing it, it makes it the norm), and most often, wear tight jeans (especially them damn Cool Kids). Some people have said that Hipster rap doesn't exist, but I believe it does, and it sucks. All these young kids, they're reminiscing bout an era that bred AIDS, crack and Ronald Reagan, name one thing good about the 80's (besides this fly Sergio Tacchini suit and dope pair of Troops'). I mean, seriously, if I wanted to listen to nonsensical 80's type music, I'd blow the dust off of "Youngest in Charge" and listen to Special Ed rap about his dog's solid gold bone. Why would I want a pale imitation of the music that I grew up on? Thanks to Kanye West, everyday I am surrounded by tight jeans and DayGlo sneakers. My delicate eyes are bombarded with pictures from Complex magazine in real life. Come on now, his influence is so embedded in Hip-Hop that they have sites dedicated to dressing like Kanye West (oh lord, why?). I don't know about anybody else, but I can't wait until the new thing comes and outshines Hipster rap. I'm starting to hate thinking that I'm in Juice whenever I'm riding the train, looking behind my back at the kid with the Bishop hair cut (get a Caesar, nigga).

Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Ladybug" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!

Editors Note : Before any smart ass says it, let me clear it up. Andre 3000 is not responsible for Hipster rap! Even though he was rhyming about alternative subject matter and dressing as crazy as he could, people didn't call him groundbreaking, they called him weird. Not until Kanye West came and did the same thing that Andre had already been doing, did it become innovative and forward thinking. It is funny, however, that years after Andre lived as an outcast (get it), he is now getting the recognition that he deserves.