I guess this is kind of a follow-up to my last blog entry, sort of a post script. I guess most people that read that entry came to the conclusion that I was getting all emotional and bitch-like. Let me clarify, I have a penis, I have never been pre-menstrual, they call me Rock because I'm hard, dunn!! (extra exclamation for extra hardness) If it came across like I have a fear of rejection (because I actually said that I do), that is a mistaken assumption. I don't fear rejection, I kind of fear letting people get to know me. Some people have called me sadistic (I like seeing people lose), immature (yeah, I'm a grown ass boy, so what?), ignorant at times (isn't that the definition of a nigga), discordant (my crew used to call ourselves the F.Y.F. Mafia, Fuck Your Feelings), and downright bastardly and assholish (thank you Sean). Some of my idiosyncrasies turn people off. So, for a while now, whenever I'm around new faces, I stay silent and a little withdrawn for fear that I might say something out of line. If you ask my friends and family, they will probably say that I have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. And the more comfortable I get with a person, the more likely I am to say something abrasive or just a little hurtful, for example, here's a conversion between my boy, a female I was kicking it with and me (names changed to protect the innocent).
A commercial for Lexus is on the television.
The girl : I like that car, I want that one day.
My boy : Yo, Digz, when you become a rapper, you can cop that for her.
The girl : When you drop an album, are you gonna buy me a car?
Diggie : Shit, when I drop an album, I'm dropping you for Alicia Keys!
See, it's statements like that that have pushed people away from me (shockingly, that girl is still one of my best friends). Some people may think "oh, he's just joking", no son, I am brutally honest, I would've dropped her for Alicia Keys. If a fat girl asks me "Do these pants make my butt look big?", I would most likely respond "No, your fat ass makes your butt look big!". It's just my nature to say whatever comes to my mind, regardless of the consequences.
Even though my brother says "Snapping" (confrontational in any situation) is a family trait (must've skipped over my brother, he bottles things and I, I'm more into revenge and get back), I believe it's our unchained mouths. In my house it's a chance that you're going to get offended. From my grandmother to my niece, my family has a tendency to be brutally honest. Most times, we may be joking, but like most people say, it's funny because it's true. Seriously, my uncle's wife sometimes fears coming to the house, because it's guaranteed that somebodies going to say something a tad bit hateful. For example, here's a conversation between my uncle and I.
My brother is serving pork to people at a family BBQ. By the way, my uncle is a Muslim.
My uncle : Your grandmother shouldn't eat that pork.
Diggie : Why not? Come on man, the Quran is outdated!
Some of you may not find this offensive, but I disrespected the man's religion (kind of my religion too). It's statements like that that are heard all the time in my grandmother's house. From comments on family member's significant others to family members, nobody is safe. I guess this is one of the reasons that I don't really allow people to get that close to me. I thought about the other reason the other day, while watching a movie.
Last Friday morning, I finally watched "The Wackness", a film about a Jewish weed dealer in 1990's New York City. The film had me thinking, even though I share nothing in common with the protagonist (not being Jewish, a weed dealer, or a loser), I can relate to some of the underlying sub-plot. There's a certain portion of dialogue that really talked to me, a conversation between Josh Peck's (yes, from the Nickelodeon show "Drake & Josh) character "Luke Shapiro" and Olivia Thirlby's "Stephanie".
Stephanie : Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It's that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don't have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it's like you just look at the wackness, ya know?
I got the statement that Stephanie was making, mostly because that's exactly how I view everything. I have got to be the biggest pessimist in the world. I mean, if you point a girl out to me, I'm automatically going to look for her flaws. If somebody tells me a song is good, I'm going to automatically look for the missteps. I listen to politicians and I can't help but think that they're plotting something. It's like I can't love anything until I find a reason to hate it. I guess, like the main character from the film, I just look at the wackness.
I lived most of my life in "the hood", where bad things happened on the regular. Maybe that is what makes me so pessimistic. Maybe, just living around Humans is what makes me pessimistic. It's like the more time goes on, the worst things get. It's kind of like that half empty glass keeps getting emptier. When you live around bad situations, good times are just times when you're waiting for the next shoe to drop. As I go through my mental Rolodex, I think of the friends I have and the ones I've lost. Every time I meet somebody that wants to be my friend, I start to think of why. What do they want from me? I believe, in general, people are opportunist, they will take advantage of any situation if it helps them reach their goal. I've thought about my friendships and relationships, and I've realized that I try to please people so much, I let them take advantage of me. Ever since I learned that fact, I've tried to make sure that people in my circle were really my people. The mission to analyze my friendships made me skeptical of new ones, that's probably why I haven't added anybody to my circle in the last couple years.
I don't know, maybe I'm too pessimistic, but I don't trust a soul on this or any other planet. I figure, if I don't want to be taken advantage of, I'd just avoid putting myself in the position to be. I do this especially in relationships, I've seen Suflan's (Pronunciation [soo-fleyn] noun an acronym - SUcker For Love Ass Nigga) with their hearts broken and crying and shit, and I don't really want to ever be in that position. Maybe I need to start letting people in more. I write my feelings and beliefs on this blog, yet I can't let actual people into my head. I need to express myself freely in the actual world as freely as I do on the Internet. I'm still growing and hopefully I will learn to trust myself and other people.
Remember the world is Diggie. Even the "Butterfly" told you this was a Diggie-ble Planet. I'm cool like that!